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Pregnancy Diaries #4: Second Time Mum Blues

So, I was just sat here typing out a caption for tomorrow's Instagram post - a picture of me holding Ava in my arms as she reaches up to grab some leaves off of the flowery bush just above our heads - and this huge wave of sadness swept over me as I realised that soon it won't just be me and Ava anymore.

As much as I am so excited about having another baby and Ava having a little brother to grow up with, I feel like I am almost losing something. For the last almost two years, it has been me and Ava all day every day. There hasn't be an entire day that I have been away from her. And we have become a little team. In so much as I am her world, she is mine. And all of that is about to change. As much as she will still mean everything to me, she won't be the only one in need of my time and attention. And I am scared. I am scared of how I will feel. And how she will feel. And I don't want to lose this connection we have. I don't want to lose us.

Our lives are about to change in a big way and it is going to be a whole new adventure. We will adapt and find new ways to have fun together. Our routines will adjust eventually. And I know that Ava will be an incredible older sister but, almost selfishly, part of me does want to keep her almost all to myself. Because I know that, come October, it will be all breastfeeding and sleepless nights and nappy changes and people visiting the baby. In the turmoil, there won't be time for one-on-one hot chocolate dates and slow walks around the park looking for leaves. It will be a new kind of exciting. And that's how I need to look at it. Not as a loss of what I had but as a gain of something even better.

So, for now, I am focusing on making her smile. Making memories together. Making the most of everyday. And trying to get myself used to the idea of mothering two rather than just one.

You may also like:
Pregnancy Diaries #1 #2 #3
How I Found Out I Was Pregnant With Baby #2
An Ava Update
How I Find Time To Blog As A Stay-At-Home Mum

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