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Looking Back On The Time I Wasted Hating My Body

Trigger warning: this post may be triggering to those who suffer/have suffered from eating disorders

Lately I have been thinking about life. And about how you can't really plan for everything. I was thinking about how I worked so hard through school and college so I could go to uni. And how I managed to graduate but, two years on, I still don't have a job in the field I would have liked. It is crazy how the small choices we make can have such a monumental impact on the course of our lives. That being said, I don't hate my life. I love the life I have. I love that I have achieved so much and have a husband who supports me and a wild, loving little daughter who I get to spend everyday with.

But I do have one regret - how much time I wasted caring so much about my appearance. I hate that my teens were filled with goal weights and diet plans. I hate that I lapped up weight loss magazine articles like a man dying of thirst being handed a glass of water. I hate that my uni days were mostly spent typing up every bite of food I ate into an app so I could train myself to reduce my calorie intake everyday. At these times in my life, I didn't see the whole world that was at my feet waiting for me. I didn't see the opportunities that were right there - ripe for the picking. The days when I had no responsibilities and could have travelled the world and learnt languages and volunteered for charities and used my time to enrich my own life and plump up my CV so that now I could easily enter a job that I would love. Those days were spent looking in the mirror at that one fat roll that wouldn't budge no matter how many sit-ups I did.

This society and the toxic diet culture it subscribes to can make you think that the lower your weight, the higher your worth. It can make you obsessed - it wants you to be obsessed because then you buy the products, join the programmes, you spend spend spend for a shred of validation from an industry that capitalises on your own self-loathing.

And, in all honesty, it is exhausting. It makes me so unhappy when I see young women fixated on losing weight because I was that woman for way too long. And it never brought me any happiness - even when my size 16 self reached my never-in-my-wildest-dreams goal of being a size 8, I still wasn't happy. I still looked in the mirror and hated my reflection. I still thought I wasn't skinny enough - and that the weight had just come off the wrong places like my chest and butt.

Weight loss is a slippery slope. Of course, I am not saying that no one should ever try to lose weight - it is your body and you should feel comfortable in it - but when it comes from a place of self-hatred and almost self-punishment, that is when it can easily become wildly unhealthy. When it consumes your every waking thought and future plans and identity, that is when you need to take a look at yourself and ask what your real motives are. Because weight loss engulfed so many years of my life and took so many opportunities away from me because I believed being a bit chubby was the worst thing I could be and changing that was more important than friendships and my relationship and my studies and travel.

But I am now living for that girl whose life was put on hold until she felt she was skinny enough - good enough - to be allowed to enjoy life. I am eating all the pizza and raising my daughter to love herself right. I am letting my weight rise and fall as it wants. I am wearing clothes I never would have looked at twice and sharing pictures online even if I have three chins or you can see the outline of a fat roll. I am being the person I wish I could have always been my whole life. And I am happy.

You may also enjoy:
Body Neutrality And What It Means To Me
I'm Not Bothered About My Baby Weight
Things I Do To Make A Bad Day Brighter
Body Trends And Why They Need To Stop
Why Midsize Representation Is Important

1 comment

  1. God, I honestly couldn't agree more with everything that you have spoken about in this blog post!

    Danielle xx


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