Monday, 25 June 2018

Feeling Boxed In By Blogger Pressure


Here I am. It is 12.40 on a Tuesday afternoon. I am waiting in for a parcel. Ava is asleep and Isaac is at work. I have been staring at a blank 'new post' page on Blogger for the last ten minutes like a post will magic itself up out of nowhere. I keep opening unfinished drafts, writing a sentence, then closing them. I want to write but I don't feel like I have anything to say. Or anything meaningful to say.

When I first started this blog, I would post very often - sometimes every night. I would write about everything and anything. I would snap some pics on my camera and upload them totally unedited. There wasn't that much thought going into it and I loved it. And other people loved it too. I would read their blogs and they would read mine. It was like having a whole lot of pen pals - we were all interested in each others lives.

But now I feel this massive pressure when it comes to blogging. I scroll through Bloglovin and everyone has professional photo shoots coupled with really thought-provoking pieces about life and love. I keep hearing that my posts should be long because Google likes that? I worry that a potential brand looking to collaborate could be reading this and quietly judging the fact that I have just written 'potential' three times and I still probably don't have the correct spelling. I feel like I have to alter myself and my writing to be likable, to gain followers, to progress, to get brand deals, to succeed. I have to be the girl next door type. I have to be political but not too much. I have to wear 'girl power' t-shirts and write a paragraph about how feminism is so great and we need to fight the patriarchy without actually talking about anything real. Like how women are producing these t-shirts for pennies on the other side of the world so we can stand up and declare how good a feminist we are. It is like a true irony, right?

I feel boxed in by my own desire to succeed because I know what people like and I am more than aware that I am not that. I am not a Disney princess girl in a fairytale suburban life where everything is unicorns and sparkles and pretty donuts and afternoon lattes and expensive makeup palettes. I am not rich. I am not blonde with blue eyes and a button nose. I am not all of these things that I have tried to pretend that I am throughout my blogging career. I have battled trauma and eating disorders and heartache and poverty over the last 6 years but my Instagram feed has always shown coffee shop avo toast and half-smile selfies. I have been at my very lowest point and I still kept up pretences. And I just feel so done with the falsehood of this industry. I hate curating myself and my experiences into something a little more palatable.

I'm not saying that I don't love taking outfit pictures and reviewing eyeshadows - or reading blog posts like this - but I just don't see people like me in the blogging world, especially succeeding in the blogging world. But maybe that is because people like me are pretending to be something else. I mean, even I am to an extent. I like people to think that I have money to go on fancy holidays or to laze around in coffee shops and have a new outfit on every time I post but I really don't. I like to write about my uni experience like I had an amazing time but really I was miserable and it was the darkest time of my life so far. I act like I didn't have to go to the council and make a homelessness appeal a few months ago. I guess, I act like I am middle class because middle class people are who I see succeeding. And I hate that I didn't share all these things because I know other people have been through them too. I hate that I have pretended and tried to keep up appearances when I could have just been real and been someone that you guys could relate to. But also I don't blame myself too much. If I had written about these things, I don't think that I would have gotten the amazing brand deals I have gotten recently. I do want to succeed and this industry kinda sucks in that there is a real formula for achieving that success. If I don't put up pretty outfit pics coupled with a few paragraphs about self-confidence or toxic friendships, will I make it?

But I don't know where to go from here. Most days I love this industry. I love having a community and seeing other women excel. But I find that I censor myself a lot here and I don't want to anymore.
SHARE:

3 comments

  1. Such a great post! I’ve scheduled one very similar because I completely agree. It’s been on my mind for a while and I’ve lost love for blogging and am totally in a funk with it. Hopefully it’s just a phase!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I just don't see why it has to be an industry....it should be something we do for ourselves. It's not a legitimate industry anymore, tech is shifting.

    ReplyDelete

© The Emerald Dove. All rights reserved.
Blogger Designs by pipdig